How the Matching Process Works (and How We Make It Feel Human)
When people picture surrogacy, they often imagine the big milestones—embryo transfer day, ultrasound photos, the first time intended parents hear a heartbeat. But the quality of a surrogacy journey is largely determined earlier, during the matching process. A thoughtful, values-based match creates trust, reduces stress, and makes the rest of the experience smoother for everyone. Here’s how Modern Family Surrogacy approaches matching—step by step, with safety, clarity, and compassion at the center.
Step 1: Listening First—Applications & Discovery
Matching begins with understanding who you are and what you need.
Surrogates complete an application about medical history, prior pregnancies, lifestyle, support systems, and availability. We’ll talk openly about motivations, boundaries, and what a “good fit” looks like in real life—not just on paper.
Intended parents (IPs) share their story, family goals, embryo status, clinic relationships, and preferences around communication, involvement, and birth planning. Whether you’re a same-sex couple, a single parent by choice, or a heterosexual couple, we center your family’s unique hopes.
This isn’t a pass/fail test. It’s a discovery conversation to make sure that later, when you meet each other, it feels like, “Oh—these are my people.”
Step 2: Safety & Suitability—Screening Before Matching
Before anyone is proposed for a match, we complete rigorous screening:
Medical pre-screening for surrogates (with final clearance by your IVF clinic) confirms a history of healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies and looks at labs, uterine health, medications, and overall wellness.
Background checks help protect all parties.
Psychological consultation ensures each participant understands the realities of surrogacy and has the emotional resources and support to navigate them.
Screening protects everyone’s time and heart. It also reduces surprises later—fewer detours, more transparency.
Step 3: Values & Preferences—Designing Fit That Goes Beyond Checkboxes
Great matches are about more than geography or the number of embryos. We look closely at expectations and everyday rhythms:
Communication style: Weekly texts vs. monthly emails? Group chats with both IPs? Are video updates comfortable for the surrogate?
Involvement during pregnancy: Do IPs want to attend appointments in person or virtually? How does the surrogate feel about that?
Lifestyle considerations: Travel policies, vaccine preferences, views on exercise, prenatal vitamins, or doula care.
Birth plan alignment: Hospital choice, who’s in the room, skin-to-skin plans, and how everyone wants the first hours post-birth to feel.
Cultural and identity inclusivity: We uplift LGBTQIA+ families, single parents, and multi-language households. Respectful alignment here matters.
We’re not trying to create clones—we’re looking for compatibility. The goal is a relationship where differences are understood, and key expectations are aligned in advance.
Step 4: Curated Profiles—Introductions That Respect Privacy
Once we’ve identified a potential fit, we share curated profiles:
For IPs: The surrogate’s background, family, location, availability, and a sense of why she chooses to be a surrogate—her “why” matters.
For surrogates: A heartfelt introduction to the intended parents—their story, hopes for their child, and what a meaningful relationship looks like to them.
We share only what’s necessary at this stage, preserving everyone’s privacy until there’s mutual interest. If both sides say, “Yes, let’s meet,” we move to a conversation.
Step 5: The Match Meeting—A Real Conversation
Think of the first meeting (video or in person) as a relaxed interview with human stakes. We’ll facilitate or attend as needed, and we’ll come prepared with supportive prompts:
“What does a good week of communication look like for you?”
“How do you like to handle medical updates?”
“What are your hopes for the delivery day?”
“Are there any hard boundaries you want me to know?”
This is also a time to name concerns. Maybe an IP’s job requires frequent travel; maybe the surrogate’s kids’ schedule is full. We don’t avoid those topics—we plan for them. After the call, everyone gets time to reflect privately. If it’s not a fit, that’s ok; we regroup and keep looking. If it is a fit, we celebrate—and get practical.
Step 6: Alignment in Writing—Expectations, Legal, and Logistics
A great conversation is the start; a clear agreement sustains it. Before legal contracts, we create an alignment summary to confirm the big rocks: communication cadence, appointment attendance, travel boundaries, expenses, and birth preferences. From there:
Clinic clearance: The surrogate completes any remaining medical steps required by the IVF clinic.
Legal contracts: Independent attorneys for both sides draft and review a gestational carrier agreement. The contract will cover decision-making, expenses, life insurance, confidentiality, and contingency plans. We translate legalese into plain English so everyone truly understands what they’re signing.
Insurance review: We verify coverage and add any necessary supplemental policies so costs are predictable.
This stage is where small misunderstandings can grow. Our job is to keep the process paced, transparent, and kind.
Step 7: Preparing for the Journey—Relationship Habits That Work
Before medication starts, we’ll help you co-create relationship norms:
Check-ins: A quick weekly update (with photos if comfortable) and a monthly “longer chat” keeps everyone connected.
Boundaries: No surprise visitors at appointments, no sharing private details on social media without permission, and clear hours for text/phone communication.
Decision trees: If a question arises—say, travel during the second trimester—who’s looped in first (agency, clinic, attorneys)? What counts as urgent?
These small agreements reduce friction and let everyone focus on the pregnancy.
Timelines & What Affects Matching Speed
A common question is, “How long will matching take?” While timelines vary, a well-prepared profile and flexible preferences typically shorten the process. Factors that can lengthen it include:
Narrow location requirements (e.g., a specific hospital system or state)
Strict availability windows for transfer
Complex medical or legal needs (twins, unique travel constraints, or state-specific parentage rules)
Highly specific lifestyle preferences on either side
Our promise is steady communication. If your preferences are non-negotiable, we respect that and focus on finding a match that truly works—not just one that’s fast.
Red Flags We Screen For (So You Don’t Have To)
We take the role of “first line of defense” seriously. We watch for:
Financial or emotional pressure on the surrogate from outside sources
Unclear boundaries around communication, social media, or medical decisions
Inconsistent medical history or reluctance to share required documentation
Disrespectful language toward LGBTQIA+ families, single parents, or cultural differences
If something doesn’t feel right, we pause. The match should feel safe, mutual, and dignified.
What a “Great Match” Feels Like
You won’t feel identical on every topic—and you don’t need to. A great match often has:
Warm, predictable communication
Shared expectations about involvement and birth
Mutual respect for each other’s time, privacy, and families
A sense of partnership—you’re on the same team, working toward one joyful goal
When that foundation is in place, everything from transfer day to delivery tends to feel more supported and celebratory.
